The Style Invitational Week 936 Hoho Contendere / Mon
dieu-dieu!
By Pat Myers, Updated: Friday, September 9, 8:00 AM
Laissez-fairy: She thinks the market
should determine the fair price for a lost tooth.
Non compos mantis: Bugging out.
It’s our first neologism
contest in 13 weeks, and it’s straightforward, sort of: Slightly alter a
well-known foreign-language term and define it, as Font of Contest Suggestions
Malcolm Fleschner has done in the examples above. The hitch: What counts as a
“foreign” language — given that so many foreign words and phrases have entered
English essentially unchanged? Well, we’ll make calls as we go along, but we
promise to be generous; the terms you use should clearly come from a foreign
language, and for a definition to work as a joke, it’s important that the
original term be clear and well-known enough to be recognized in your altered
version.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second prize gets, courtesy of Loser
Beverley Sharp, a can of Slap Ya Mama Cajun seasoning direct from Evangeline
Parish, La., in honor of this week’s results (Beverley didn’t find it until
after Week 932 was announced), as well as a tin of Albert Einstein’s Relatively
Strong Mints, which she picked up at the National Museum of Nuclear Science and
History in Albuquerque. Beverley gets around.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly
tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 19;
results published Oct. 9 (Oct. 7 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant
per week. Include “Week 936” in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored
as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your
entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week’s results
is by Judy Blanchard; this week’s honorable-mentions
name is by Kevin Dopart.
Report from Week 932, in which we asked for original insult jokes in what we decorously
call the “your mama” genre. The genre itself, though, isn’t decorous in the
least. They’re insult jokes! As for originality, we Googled them as best we
could, but if you’ve heard them before, laugh again.
The winner of the Inker:
Your mama’s so lazy, Dan Snyder offered her a $20 million signing
bonus. (Ben Aronin,
Arlington, Va.)
2. Winner of the
scorpion-embedded lollipop plus the foam Instant Dinosaurs: Your mama’s so ugly, the French made her wear a burqa. (Robert
Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
3. Your mama’s so ugly, even
the Heritage Foundation doesn’t want to invade her. (David
Genser, Poway, Calif.)
4. Your mama’s nose hair is
so long, I can barely see her mustache. (Jim Reagan, Herndon)
Relatively insulting: Honorable mentions
Your mama’s so fat, she wears
A-line socks. (Dion Black, Washington)
Your mama’s so ugly, she was thrown out of Congress for tweeting a picture
of her face. (Robert Schechter)
Your mama’s so fat, Superman
has to take three bounds to leap over her. (Matt Monitto,
Elon, N.C.)
Your mama’s so dumb, she hired Casey Anthony to babysit. (Joe
Neff, Warrington, Pa.)
Your mama’s so ugly, when
Bill Clinton denied sleeping with her, people believed him. (Mike Gips,
Bethesda, Md.)
Your mama’s so ugly, she puts the oy in gargle. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Your mama’s so big and hairy,
Sarah Palin almost shot her. (Susie Wiltshire, Richmond, Va.)
Your mama’s so dumb, the only way she passed eighth grade was by copying
your answers. (Ben Aronin)
Your mama’s so fat, she got wedged in the golden arches. (Rob
Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
Your mama’s so fat, she wears
Army boots — one on each toe. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)
Your mama’s so fat, when she
goes swimming, the Greenpeace boat comes to protect
her. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)
Your mama’s so dumb, she uses the binary system because she can’t count to
two. (Meg Smith, Gaithersburg, Md., a First Offender)
Your mama’s such a wimp, she has a black belt in kowtow. (Barrie Collins, Long
Sault, Ontario)
Your mama’s so old, she was at Abel’s bris. (Bird Waring,
Larchmont, N.Y.)
Your mama’s makeup is so
heavy, cupcakes are jealous. (Elise Jacobs, Silver Spring,
Md.)
Your mama’s so big, she
doesn’t have hot flashes, she has global warming. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)
Your mama’s so old, her only
dating is carbon. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Your mama’s so fat, when she
sat down on Chuck Norris he couldn’t get up. (Valerie
Matthews, Ashton, Md.)
Your mama’s so ugly, that’s
not a birthmark on her neck, it’s a bolt. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
Your mama’s so ugly, her
teeth fell out just to get away from her face. (Wayne Rodgers. Satellite Beach,
Fla.)
Your mama’s so dumb, she doesn’t like the Washington Monument because “it
don’t look like him at all!” (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax, Va.)
Your mama’s so stupid, they
gave her a Rorschach test and she answered “ink blot” to every question.
(Robert Schechter)
I’m not saying she’s loose,
but I heard Hasbro’s changing the name to the “Your Mama Bake Oven.” (Beth Baniszewski, Cambridge, Mass.)
Your mama’s so fat, she buys
her clothes at Macy’s . . . parade float
hangar. (Carol Passar, Reston, Va.)
Your mama’s so tacky, the plastic Jesus on her truck’s dashboard is a
bobblehead. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)
Your mama’s so vacuous, she thinks it’s a compliment. (Judy
Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
Your mama’s had the clap so
many times, she walks into a room and all the lights go off. (Brendan
Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
Yourx mama’s so crazy, even
Newsweek won’t put her on the cover. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge,
Va.)
Whenever your mama gets undressed,
Congress has to pass another TARP. (Judy Blanchard)
When your mama goes to
McDonald’s, you can watch the numbers change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Your mama’s so ugly, paper bags refuse to go over her head. (Dudley
Thompson)
Your mama’s so easy, she tattoos her boyfriends’ names on herself in
pencil. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.)
Your mama’s so
ugly that as she was being born, the delivery nurse said, “Push, push! No,
wait. PULL!” (Chris Doyle)
Your mama’s so old, the first yo-mama joke was about her. (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.)
Your mama’s so zen. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.)
Your mama’s so dumb she
doesn’t know “Mr. Obama, yous is dum” is an anagram for “Your mama’s so dumb.”
She says it all the time, but she has no idea . . .
(Drew Knoblauch, Arlington)
And Last:
Your mama’s so pathetic, she raised a daughter who
created a contest for insulting mothers. (Michael Reinemer,
Annandale, Va.)
Next week: Stories that count (to 56) or We’re not wordy! We’re not wordy!